In many self-help spaces, we are told we must learn to self-soothe — to calm ourselves down independently, without needing anyone else.
But from the perspective of Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy, this framing can be misleading.
It’s not that self-regulation is impossible.
It’s that we were never wired to begin there.
We Are Designed for Co-Regulation
Human nervous systems develop in relationship. From birth, regulation happens when a caregiver:
picks us up,
softens their voice,
mirrors our emotion,
helps our body settle.
Our attachment system is not weakness. It is biology.
When we are distressed, something ancient inside asks:
Are you there for me?
Do I matter?
Will you respond?
If someone safe responds, our heart rate slows, cortisol drops, breathing regulates. Safety moves through tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact, and presence — processes described within Polyvagal Theory.
This is co-regulation.
Without it, the nervous system can swing toward:
hyperarousal (anxiety, panic, protest), or
shutdown (numbness, collapse).
So asking someone in deep dysregulation to “just calm yourself down” can actually increase shame and distress.
Why the “Self-Soothing Myth” Can Be Harmful
When people cannot regulate alone, they often conclude:
Something is wrong with me.
I’m too needy.
I should be stronger.
But in attachment science, needing others when vulnerable is not immaturity — it is how our nervous system survives.
As Sue Johnson reminds us, we are not designed to be self-sufficient islands. We are wired for connection.
The Real Developmental Sequence
Regulation unfolds in a very different order:
Other-soothing — a caregiver regulates the infant.
Co-regulation — emotional balance happens between nervous systems.
Internalized regulation — we begin to carry that safety inside.
Self-soothing, in this sense, is not the starting point.
It is the result of repeated experiences of being soothed.
Internalized Regulation: How Safety Moves Inside
This is where the work of Bonnie Badenoch, especially in The Heart of Trauma, becomes so powerful.
The brain wires itself through repeated relational experiences. When someone consistently meets us with attunement and non-judgment, neural pathways of safety strengthen. The amygdala becomes less reactive. The prefrontal cortex integrates more easily. The body learns:
Distress does not equal abandonment.
Over time, something remarkable happens.
We begin to internalize the regulated presence of the other.
Calling Someone to Mind
Internalized regulation shows up in subtle but profound ways.
When we:
picture a loved one’s face,
hear their reassuring voice in our mind,
imagine them saying “I’m here,”
remember how they look at us with warmth,
our nervous system can shift.
This is not fantasy. It is neural reactivation of encoded safety.
The brain does not sharply distinguish between a vividly remembered relational experience and a present one. If the attachment bond is secure, imagining the person can activate the same regulatory circuits.
We are, quite literally, calming ourselves with borrowed safety.
The Wiser Self, Spiritual Figures, and Archetypal Support
Sometimes a person does not yet have a secure attachment figure available.
In therapy, the therapist may become the first regulated attachment — offering a steady nervous system for the client to “borrow.” Over time, clients internalize the therapist’s tone, softness, and non-shaming stance.
Eventually, that voice becomes internal:
“It makes sense you feel this way.”
“You’re not too much.”
“You’re allowed to need.”
Others experience this internal regulator as:
a wiser self,
a future self,
an ancestor,
God,
a spiritual presence,
an archetypal protector
What matters is not the form.
What matters is that the nervous system experiences it as responsive and safe.
This becomes an internal secure base.
Not Radical Independence — But Carried Connection
The goal is not to eliminate our need for others.
The goal is this:
Even when I am alone, I am not alone inside.
True internalized regulation is relational at its core. It is the echo of attuned connection living within the body.
In couples therapy, when partners create secure bonding moments, they are not only resolving conflict. They are helping each other build stronger internal regulators. So that when one partner is away, the other can still feel:
They are there for me.
And the nervous system softens.
Self-soothing is not a myth because humans cannot regulate alone.
It is a myth when we imagine it should happen without relationship.
We do not become regulated by force of will.
We become regulated by being met —
again and again —
until safety becomes part of who we are.
With love,
Izabela Misiuk CCC,
Couples and Individual Counselling (MA) | Coaching Psychologist (GMBPsS, MSc) | Women's Circle Facilitator
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach… there will always be times when you feel discouraged. I, too, have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.” - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés